Born This Way

Who wants to be normal? Not me.  But to be in control of my own body would be fantastic.  In the past 18 months I've seen a plethora of doctors and the overwhelming response from them is 'but you look so normal'.  Looks can be very deceiving!  My ailments have baffled doctors across two continents.  I've dealt with constant pain for far too many years.... and I always thought it was normal.  I figured, hey, I was born this way so why fight it or complain? I could have drawn a much shorter straw, after all! Chronic pain pretty much runs in my family, so it's not like I'm alone.

The list of things that hurt are so long it's nearly comical, but I won't let you see me cry.  I hate it when people complain constantly... so I try to limit it to my analog blog and whining to my Mom.  I don't like people to feel sorry for me, but it consumes a large portion of my thoughts so it has to come out somewhere.

My knee surgeon (who just happens to be the official knee surgeon for the Razorbacks) told me that I am far tougher than 99% of the basketball stars that roll through his office.  His evidence was that I didn't flinch when he brought out a giant needle to inject some cortisone (which many a 6foot+ man have seen and fainted).  MY evidence came today.  I've started seeing a chiropractor to try and get some relief.  I much appreciate him and his method of bone-cracking... but re-arranging the structure of my hips, spine and neck is not an easy or painless process.  Today after my adjustment, my left side was particularly angry about being jostled about.  While my boss gave me tasks that I executed with tears in my eyes, he didn't even seem to notice.  I'm sure he noticed that my level of frustration was higher than normal and that my fuse was short... because that is the opposite of my normal.  I'm a natural avoider. He probably just thought I was being a bitch for fun.  But he didn't notice that every time he turned his back, or took a phone call, I collapsed in pain on the floor.  Literally.  Did I get my job done? You shouldn't even have to ask.  I am determined that this will not be my new normal.... and now I have a doctor on board who is equally determined.

I was born this way, baby... but hopefully I'm on the right track to get healthy.

Turn-down service

So I have officially turned down three jobs this year.  Two in my field and one from a dear friend.  I find it amazing in this economy that when I'm not even looking for jobs, I'm headhunted this often.  I just got another call from a random contractor in New Jersey who wanted me to do design work on a government project in North Little Rock.  He used my real name, therefore I'm confident that I don't know him and that I have absolutely no idea where he would get my name or cell number.  You would think I would be good at the turn-down service by now but nope.  Maybe it's because I don't like mints to be left on my pillow.  I prefer bacon.


My heart has been pulled in so many directions in the past 18 months but I have made a conscious decision to stay put. Why? Even I'm not entirely sure.  Maybe sheer stubbornness... once I commit to and believe in something, I'm in 100%.  Maybe it's my health... I still don't have answers, but at least I have doctors here that are willing to listen (and not just laugh at my list of symptoms that is longer than my grandmothers... and she's 98.).  It's not the job security... a snowstorm this winter could leave me paycheck-less!  Maybe it's the friends... I don't have many, but the ones I have are quality.  Maybe it's because my dog loves his backyard.

I think I am wired to constantly move but I'm actually resisting it now so I can attempt to build a life.  I have absolutely no idea what I want that life to look like, but I know it is something worth fighting for.

Both of Mr. Bill's blog readers are said to be infuriated.  Both of my blog readers probably think I'm an idiot.  The only thing I know for sure is that it is exhausting being this awesome all the time!

of course I talk to myself... sometimes I need an expert opinion.

that's all.

I bike it like that....

The downtown Little Rock trolley tracks claim another victim!  Just goes to show you, it doesn't matter how often you ride these streets, eventually they can jump up and bite you!  I figure sooner or later it is bound to happen to everyone, so I just went ahead and got it over with :)

Lesson learned.... I knew there was a reason that I avoided the intersection at Scott & Markham like the plague!  All of the tracks converge right there so it is very tricky to hit ALL of them perpendicular.... especially when you are riding WAAAAAY too fast!  I got overly confident and got a painful snap back to reality! I fell in the exact same spot where Jeremy fell last week... danger!

All in all my injuries could have been SO much worse so I count myself as a pretty lucky gal.  Scrapes and bruises down my right arm and leg (you don't even want to see my hip right now!) and I cracked my helmet!  It happened to crack the styrofoam directly under where my helmet says "I LOVE MY BRAIN".  I almost forgot my helmet when I left the shop that afternoon and Chad called after me to make sure I remembered it... dodged a big ole bullet on that one!  I would much rather be nursing my whiplash and wounds at home than in the hospital (especially since I don't have insurance!).

As Eric on Boy Meets World taught me so many years ago... "Life's tough, get a helmet!"

Keep it positive... I'm trying!

Frustration abounds!  I always try to be positive, seize the carp, live to flow in the age, etc. and most of the time I'm successful... I think I deserve a break to vent about how frustrating stupid endometriosis is.  It's stupid.  For reals.  I've been feeling pretty good lately... meds are working and keeping the pain at bay while actually hopefully reversing some of the issues... I'm taking steps to make myself an overall healthier person and it has been going very well.  All good things and 99% of the time I feel pretty darn good.... twinges of pain now and then but completely manageable.  Been working like mad, at play practice when I'm not working and out riding my bike when I'm not doing the other two and it's been really good.... holding out hope that maybe my body will actually cooperate with me.  Then today, I'm about half way thru my shift I am just standing there and I hear a loud pop in both my back and my hip accompanied with terrible pain and the left side of my body going numb.  This has happened before.... sometimes it lasts an hour, sometimes it lasts a month and the theory is that the endometrial cells have become fond of hanging out on my sciatic nerve.  I got used to it before and I can do it again, I just really thought I was done with all of this.

Rant over.  Now it's time to channel my brain waves into some positivity!

 I spend ALL of last week with the one and only Heater and it was fantastic as per usual.  We only get to see each other once a year, but every time we rendezvous at the airport it feels like its been mere weeks since our last parting.  Amazing!  She's always said she will visit me wherever I am and I know it's true since she used her frequent flier miles to come to little ole Little Rock!  So much fun... I took her on a bicycle tour of the city to hit all of the touristy hot spots (basically our Historic Neighborhoods Tour... but customized for my favorite client), went to play practice (where she was mistaken for Natalie Portman), visited the Clinton Presidential Library (and were THIS close to meeting the Clintons!), did a 23 mile road bike ride on the Arkansas River Trail (my favorite way to show people my newly adopted city), partook in no more than one beer per sitting (we are old), enjoyed Steel Magnolias at movies in the park right on the river and got free tickets to the Travelers game since I was singing the National Anthem.  We packed in a lot of good stuff (plus lots of chill girl time) but the time was still just waaaaaay to short!  After a weekend in NWA with a stopover at the ropes course/zip line in Mountain View I had to send her to NYC and send myself back to work.  I wonder where in the world we will meet up next?  Hong Kong? Guatamala? Fiji? Who knows!  Viva la aventura!

Can't Stop the Beat!

That's right... I landed the role of Velma von Tussle in the CTLR Production of Hairspray! I went into the audition not expecting much because since the age ranges for the parts are either teenagers or mothers of teenagers, I fall right in the middle.  It went the opposite way I thought it would (especially since the music director thought I was 18) and I got cast in a mom role... but not just any mom role... the villain!  I must admit it made me feel very old (especially after I found out that the girl playing my daughter is actually older than me!), but we are both embracing our inner biyatch and the von Tussle girls are going to be the awesome!  I've got big shoes to fill considering Michelle Pfeiffer and Debbie Harry played Velma in the movie versions, but I'm pretty stoked to belt out 'Ms. Baltimore Crabs'.  We only have a month of rehearsals before Opening Night on July 12 so I will be a very busy girl this summer!

TOWEL DAY!!!

For those of you who know me well, you know I never go anywhere without my towel.  I have one in my purse, one in my car and one is always close by in my house.  I have done this as long as I can remember, but after reading Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy I am much more adamant about ALWAYS having a towel!

Today is May 25, Towel Day... so today I am proudly wearing my favorite towel (from the Australian Open... the one time I did forget my towel, so I had to pick up a fancy commemorative set) proudly around my shoulders and answering 42 to every question I am asked.  And remember that sometimes knowing the answer doesn't mean you know the question.

So long and thanks for all the fish Douglas Adams... you are truly an inspiration to my life!

Done!

I'm officially DONE with the cleanse... I didn't quite make it the 4 days but I'm not mad at it.  I'm building up to a longer cleanse, and that one will NOT involve lemons.  I hate citrus and I'm not sure what I was thinking when I said oh hey drinking nothing but lemonade for 4 straight days sounds like a great idea... I can't even remember the last time I had a lemonade before this!  Long story short, I realized I was fasting rather than cleansing... instead of drinking 6-12 bottles a day like I was supposed to, I was drank 4 on day one, 2 on day 2 and 1 on day 3 and had to supplement with some rice to get some calories in me.  Fasting was not the point of this whole exercise.

I've cleansed once before and was much more successful.  It was a brown rice and fruit juice diet and gave me enough variety that I didn't feel bored. Back into research mode I go!

Timezone?

This is a test.... it is only a test.  Apparently blogspot think's I'm still in Australia!  You would think these things would update automatically...

Day Two

I knew this was going to be difficult, but oh man! I was about 3 seconds away from just giving up yesterday... I did great all the way through work (was barely even hungry) but then I got home and there is just so much delicious food around the house and SO many good looking foods on TV!  I banished myself to a long epsom salt bath where food couldn't taunt me, then about 9:00 the headache started.  It was relentless!  Probably mostly a caffeine withdraw headache combined with the releasing of the toxins but oh my!  I gave myself a tiny tiny bowl of cottage cheese and it seemed to help a bit, then I went to bed.  Still woke up with a headache but thank God I didn't have to work until the afternoon so I had plenty of time to sleep it off... only way to describe it is like the worst hangover ever.  But then I realized, hey, I'm not hungry and it's lunchtime... maybe this thing is working after all!

With a new lease on cleansing I set out for the health food store and bought some more organic maple syrup (my awesome Canadian souvenir bottle was only enough for one day!) and some tea to give myself a bit of variety tonight.  I've decided to try and do 4 days so I can still have Sunday lunch with my mom and BOTH grandmas on Mother's Day.... I can only imagine the lecture I would get for not eating Mother's Day lunch at Franke's! I can do this.  I can do this!!

Time to Re-boot

This is what will be in my lunchbox every day for the next few weeks.... yuuuuum.  That's right, I'm doing a Master Cleanse.  Fingers crossed that I can actually stick to it and that it does some good because I'm tired of feeling like this isn't my body that I'm currently living in.  

For those of you who aren't aware (and most of you aren't because I rarely speak of it), I suffer from chronic pain due to a crazy case of endometriosis.  I've probably had it since I was a teenager... I've always had the symptoms, but since I always had them I thought it was normal.  It's gotten progressively worse and finally last year about this time got to the point where I could no longer ignore the pain or be in denial.  Call in the medical calvary... after cutting my year in Australia short, surgery, various different hormone therapy attempts, way too much poking and prodding and finally losing my health insurance and being deemed "uninsurable", I've decided the natural route must be the answer! Things like yoga and massage have always been very helpful for the pain, but it't time to take things up a notch and completely re-boot my system!  I'm still wonder woman underneath all this crud!

It's the little things....

It's been a while... trying to find inspiration to start getting bloggy with it again and I found something that really excites me... a font that looks like my handwriting!  Almost makes me feel like this is an analog blog (i.e. my journal) instead of a random collection of my thoughts that the whole world can see.

Also... how cute is my dog?